Rumours began to circulate, at the end of Saturday's match against Cheltenham, that Jeff Bonser has finally sold Walsall FC. These rumours have neither been confirmed or denied as I write but, having spent all day Sunday trying to get at the truth, I can now exclusively reveal the identity of the man fool enough to take on the unenviable task of trying to please us all.
In a sensational development the club has been purchased by none other than Neville 'Noddy' Holder, in a deal said to have been brokered by Saddlers' resident music 'mogul' Steve Jenkins when the two met backstage at a Rick Astley gig. Noddy himself appeared very reluctant to speak to me on the subject, thinking I was yet another agent wanting him to re-form the original line-up of Slade, and only came to the door when I piddled through his letter box.
After he'd signed my dog-eared vinyl copy of 'Old, New, Borrowed And Blue' I asked him whether he was the man behind the buying-out of Jeff Bonser and was he now the new owner of his home-town football club? I put it to him that he'd be the ideal man to add some razzamatazz to a club perennially looked down upon by the followers of a certain club not far away, I also reminded him that Slade always were, and still are, thought of as a Dinglehampton band even though only fifty per cent of its members actually came from that 'city'. That I'd hit a raw nerve became quickly apparent - crafty buggers, us journo's! - and he admitted to me that, yes, he'd purchased Walsall Football Club but that things were being kept quiet until the final few loose ends were tied up.
Pushing my luck a bit further, I asked if he'd attempted to rope in any other of his 'glam' era contemporaries. Les Gray, of Mud, perhaps? Yes, he said, Les had been keen to join Noddy in this venture and that they'd agreed on a Hicks-Gillett style dual ownership until Les began to insist on signing certain players and no others. "He mentioned us possibly buying Dean Windass, Nick Barmby, Jimmy Bullard and Boaz Myhill but I soon caught on." "Look", I said "Tiger Feet was bloody years ago and you're not going to use Walsall Football Club to try to boost sales of your back catalogue. I haven't heard from him since, I hope he's lonely this Christmas!"
I pressed Noddy on why he saw himself as the man to take on the future running of the club and his reply was that '...what Elton John had done at Watford he supposed he could do at Walsall'. Where have we heard that before?
It seems that Mr Holder is keen to concentrate on the supporter side of things rather than the business side of the club and will be installing Pete Waterman as Chairman to over-see the day-to-day boring stuff while Noddy, along with song-writing partner Jim Lea, will concentrate on writing a club song. I pointed out that they'd already written a little ditty called 'Give Us A Goal' and that maybe they could up-date it to 'Give Us A Goal At The Gilbert End, Please!', he said he'd think about it.
When pressed on discipline and the seeming lack of it in football these days Noddy replied that he was aware of this being something that annoys supporters and that he intends to instil a strict disciplinary code within WFC. "Anyone who steps out of line will get a severe telling-off (he didn't actually use the phrase 'telling-off', but this is a family website!) and a recurrence of such behaviour will result in the player(s) in question undergoing an experience they'll never forget and certainly won't want repeated. They'll be forcibly taken to Dave Hill's house and then made to listen to him waffle on endlessly about his collection of vintage guitars. Anyone re-offending after that would then be assumed to have a screw loose anyway".
What about a dress code? I asked. Noddy's eyes lit up and I knew what was coming. "I've given this a lot of thought and have come up with a club 'look' that I think will ensure that the players get noticed wherever they go. I want people to say 'Look, there goes the Walsall team, don't they look fantastic'."
The dress code will be non-negotiable and will be as follows;-
• Shirt - Shocking pink with little red elephants and a five inch collar.
• Tie - Mustard yellow with a purple guitar motif.
• Trousers - Red tartan 20 inch flares.
• Footwear - Green leather platform-soled boots with a heel of at least five inches.
• Blazer - None, why would the players want to cover up what's underneath?
• The only optional item is to be the most fondly-remembered item from Noddy's iconic 1973 'look', the mirrored top hat. I can't quite see Anthony Gerrard in one of those.
That should certainly get the players noticed. What they'll say when they get the bad news is anyone's guess!
How 'hands-on' does Noddy intend to be? I asked. "Well, I won't be sitting with the prawn sandwich mob for a start. I'm a rough-arsed geezer from Beechdale, so I'll be sitting in the Lower Gilbert with the rest of the riff-raff and, yes, I'll be leading the singing, so I want to see everyone go craaaaaaaaaaaazeeeeeeeeeeeeee. The music press didn't dub me 'leather lungs' for no reason, you know!"
Noddy, I pointed out, isn't exactly noted for his love of the Saddlers but he answered, quite reasonably, that for most of the seventies he'd been either on the road, writing songs or recording albums but that he'd made occasional visits to Fellows Park when other commitments allowed. I asked what was his fondest memory of the dear old place, expecting him to nominate the victory over Man United or the one against Newcastle, or the one over Leicester, or perhaps the semi-final against Liverpool in '84. It was none of these.
"It was a game against Tranmere is the 74/5 season, I can't remember the result (I checked, we won one-nil with a very late goal by, ironically, Bernie Wright), but I do remember that I was the only bloke in the ground with bigger sideburns than Bernie Wright. That was a very proud moment in my life, even prouder than the time I was presented with a gold disc for selling a zillion copies of our 'Skweeze Me, Pleeze Me' single. I've never forgotten it."
So, it seems that Walsall Football Club and its' supporters can look forward to a very eventful close season when, it would appear, anything might happen. The arrival of Noddy should certainly make people sit up and take notice. "I want us to be as big and bold as my old platform shoes and as loud as my old shirts. We need to get noticed and I intend to make sure that we do.
Every day!
N.B. Mr Holder will officially take control of Walsall Football Club on April the first!